Two years ago (roughly), I lost 80 lbs. I went from 250 down to 180. Now I'm back up to about 192. Not a big deal, but I'm ready for the next step. One of my big motivating factors is burning man. I always said that the next time I go, I'm gonna be more fit than the last time I went. As such, I've started a pretty hardcore training program. For the next 90 days, I'll be trying the P90X. It's a diet/exercise program that is design to get you in a fit shape within 90 days.

That being said, it's no gimmick or cake-walk. You really have to monitor your food intake and the work outs are some of the hardest I've ever done. The diet doesn't starve you of nutrients like the atkins or keep your calorie count low, but feeds you the right foods for the work out you're doing. For example - the first phase in the work out is building muscle mass. The diet has you eating a lot of protein and the work outs are muscle intensive.

With that out of the way, I decided to start blogging about my experience. If you're interested, read on. I'll post before and after pictures once all is said and done. I'm not normally the "fit" type, but with proper motivation I believe I can stick to this for at least 3 months.

1 month Pre-P90X
I started training about a month ago. The P90X is no joke. You have to do be able to do a minimum set of workouts just to keep up with the program. I had grown somewhat lethargic, but it was time to really hit the ground running if I was gonna do this for real. Please note - if you're thinking about doing this program, you CANNOT DO IT COLD. You will injure yourself. Even now, I'm learning that my pre-workout wasn't enough. I'm still sticking with it because I believe I can train up to where I need to be.

My pre-program workout consisted of jogging at least 1.5 miles every day and hitting the weights 3 days a week. I'd mountain bike at least two days a week. This helped me build my heart and stamina to the point where it could work. My strength training wasn't enough, but at least it helped my body wake up from it's nap. I slowly got used to working out again.

P90X - Day 1
Nutrition
Day one was definitely a hard day. I hadn't had any caffeine (as it's forbidden on the nutrition plan) the day before and I was going cold turkey today. That and I went from being a vegetarian to suddenly being on a high protein diet. I'd say the diet was the hardest part for me on day one. What's interesting is that it wasn't hard eating because there wasn't enough...it was hard eating because it was too much! In the first phase of the program, I'm schedule to eat 7 portions of protein a day, 1 fruit, 4 vegetables, 3 servings of dairy, 1 carb, and 1 snack. Normally I eat a lot more fruits and carbs. My body wasn't ready for the sudden shock of no caffeine or carbs so I was tired all day.

Luckily I have a friend at work who is on the program with me. We went shopping at CostCo for snacks and food and stuck to our guns. It's helping a lot to have a spotter at work. Work is really hard because my crew loves to eat and we eat very well. But not healthy. Not to mention all of the free snacks (bagels every morning from Einstein, free candy, bread, peanut butter, etc). The only way I will be able to do this is if I stock my own snacks.

The workout
I was tired, sleepy, but still stoked to start the work out. In part, because I knew it is a really hard work out. When I challenge myself, I tend to go all the way. Hence why I went straight for the hardest program I can find. I reviewed my workout for the day and started the video. The first thing I figured out is that I definitely don't have the upper body strength for it. They do a good job of giving you alternatives if you can't do the exact workout, but it's still really tough. The first day is chest, back and abs. It's all pullups and pushups. And I don't mean just regular pushups, I mean those killer diamond pushups that make you wish you were dead. There was a few times I nearly vomited. I've never done that during any workout, even in my hockey days. About 3/4ths of the way through, I was questioning if I could really do this. Then...I finished. I didn't finish as good as the people on the video, but it doesn't matter. I still completed it. This gave me a huge boost of pride and confidence. If a chubby guy like me can do this out of sheer will, maybe I do have a shot.

Then came the next 15 minutes after the chest and back...the "abs ripper X". OUCH. I don't have the stomach muscles yet. Will or not, there's only so much the body can do. I still finished, but had to cheat more than a few times. I'll definitely be doing this again until I get it right.

General emotions
Day 1 I was really excited. I finished strong and was feeling really good about myself. My body was done though. I could barely lift a finger. I stumbled my way into the shower then into bed. I was out before I knew it. At least you sleep well on this thing!

P90X - Day 2
Nutrition
The diet is getting easier. Miss M helped me shop for fun proteins to eat so I'm doing a lot better. I'm not just shoveling slices of meat into my mouth. I'm not huge on deli meats anymore, so I'm glad for this. I started the day with a soy yogurt (YUM) and some cereal, then went on to lunch with a veggie burger and veggies (still counts as protein!), had an afternoon snack, and waited. This was the mistake I made on the first day...I didn't wait before working out. This time I waited two hours and it really paid off.

The workout
They say that day two is the hardest because it's Plyometrics. Plyo is where you do a shit-ton of jumps and squats. Very hard on the legs, calves, thighs, and quads. It's also an amazing cardio workout. I was a little intimated when I started it because the trainer mentioned to have your bucket handy in case you need to vomit. Even he was saying that this was the toughest workout.

Surprisingly, I had an easier time of this workout than I did the other. I'm actually going to push harder next time because I kept up pretty well with the class and felt tired but fine afterwards. Nothing like day 1. I think the key here is my pre-training. What I didn't mention before about that 1.5 miles that I ran every day is that it wasn't flat land..it was steep hills. Add that to all of the hill grinding I was doing on my mountain bike and I really believe that my legs and heart were ready for this one. Definitely more so than the strength training. Don't get me wrong..it was still really hard, but I didn't feel like dying :) This gives me a lot of hope.

General emotions
I was surprised to wake up not sore at all. Then...at around 10 AM...it all hit me. My muscles tightened and it was harder to move. I was sore and tired through the rest of the day. I took a nap before my next workout which helped out a lot. I'm realizing I really need at least 8 hours of sleep. That's hard for a guy like me who gets on average 6. I'm still excited about the program. I'm stoked to see what tomorrow brings. I know it's more Ab Ripper, but I'm not sure what the main workout is. I need to take "before" pictures before going much farther. I can't wait for tomorrow :)

Tags: p90x working out health
Current Mood: Excited

I discovered cutting for the first time last night. In doing so, I’ve discovered a lot about myself.

The night started with a friend and I going to beat and greet. I didn’t expect to play but I ended up having the privilege of playing with a couple of hot boys (Thanks boys!). I went home nice and primed :D

My friend had promised to show me how to handle a scalpel. We started with oranges and razor blades and graduated to the scalpel. She showed me good areas to cut, bad areas, how deep, how fast, etc.

Now I’m the type of Dom who prefers to see what it feels like before I do a form of play. Breaking skin and drawing blood is no exception. I can honestly say that I’m lucky enough to not be afraid of much in this life (blood, cutting, needles, claustrophobia, clowns, furries, etc). That being said, I’m also not a masochist. So really the only thing I got out of being cut myself was the knowledge of what it felt like physically, mentally, and technique. My friend did an amazing job of teaching me by doing. It was interesting to see the blade cut through my skin like butter. It took such a little amount of force to break the skin and separate it that it was somewhat sobering.

So the first thing I’ve learned about myself is that I’m not a bleeder. Not much at all. It took a while for any of the cuts to start bleeding regardless of how deep my friend went. I was half disappointed and half proud for some reason. When the cuts finally did show a few drops of blood, it didn’t do much for me. Apparently seeing my own blood isn’t an aphrodisiac. It was still a powerful experience, but didn’t send me flying like needles does. It was a connection in that it takes a lot of trust for me to let someone do anything like that. There is power in that trust.

Next…it was my turn. I had to take a moment to collect my excitement. I took the scalpel in my hand and placed it on my friend’s skin. The world around me disappeared. I gave the slightest of pressure and pulled it against the skin. The skin separated without any effort whatsoever. I pulled the scalpel away at her whimper. I looked up at her and realized I wasn’t breathing. I was instantly flying. I continued on her arm, making small incisions as I went. I drank in the sights of each cut. My hand steadier than it had ever been. I reveled in the sounds she made as I made each cut.

Then came the blood. Oh the blood! It collected into small drops then dripped down her body. That sweet salty coppery red life blood flowed down her body like little trails of fire down my spine. I now know what the term “blood lust” means. I was higher than I had been in years. I had to steady myself before making more cuts. It took every effort to control myself. I think I made noises that don’t come natural to me. She used the term “bittersweet” to describe it which is completely true. I was so hungry for more yet I had to temper that urge with the knowledge that if I even slipped wrong I could do serious damage. I was getting so dizzy I had to stop and collect myself.

We took a break to clean up. I took a look at the world around me and it was…different. Everything was brighter. The sounds of the city jumbled together and were hard to understand. Everything I touched felt more alive. I could feel the small detailed textures of the world.

Something else happened that has only happened to me once before while topping. My shields went completely down. I was like a newborn child to the world, open to everything. I wasn’t prepared for this part of the experience. I’m the type that shields almost all the time. Even when I’m more open, I’m still shielding to a certain degree. But this…this blood lust…wasn’t just a sexual lust. It wasn’t just a physical experience. It was the closest thing I’ve had to a spiritual experience in a long while.

So I’ve learned more. I’ve learned that blood is my thing. I’ve learned that instead of going to church and talking to god, drawing someone’s blood connects me with whatever out-of-body world is out there. I’ve also learned that I can’t do this with just anyone. I have to be really close to a person and trust them with whatever is left over of me afterwards. I also can’t start a play session with blood. I’m to a certain degree spent afterwards and can’t concentrate as much as normal. I know cutting and blood is different for everyone and that everyone has their “thing”. I know that to some people, cutting is just another form of play and can be fun but isn’t a big deal. Like flogging to me ain’t a big deal. But it seems cutting is my “thing”…and yet it will be a very rare occasion when I can experience it.

Thank you for blowing my doors wide open 

Tags: bdsm kink cutting blood

Diary of a Poly Kinkster

Chapter 8 - Drifting

Greetings my friends! If you've followed me this long, thank you! If you're just tuning in, welcome.

I know I've been a bit of a Debby Downer lately with my posts, but that was a darker time in my life. But fret not for after Kelly, it would all change!

After my relationship of 7 years, I was born again. I felt like I had finally come up for fresh air in a bath of ice cold water. I was for the first time ever a fresh babe exploring his legs. I was New. Unattached. It was time to shed the old ways and start anew.

For one thing, I finally shed religion. Over the years, it taught me nothing. While I didn't shed my faith or my guilt yet, I knew my place was not inside of a church or meeting hall. I've learned that most Jehovah's Witnesses who were raised in the faith eventually left it.

I also knew I wanted a relationship with some sort of D/s aspect. I had no idea how to find people of my like mind so it would take some work. I was up to the challenge. I'd been on the Internet and BBS' boards for years researching and talking to people. It was time to get out there and meet people! I tried it once before in one of my brief moments of clarity with Kelly. We met someone from the local group in Texas, but we were immediately turned off by his overbearing lecherous nature. I got the immediate "I'm only talking to you because I want to play with your hot young wife" vibe. While I had hoped that I wouldn't run into this again, i was prepared to grin and bare it to meet people like myself.

I started with chat rooms. I met a very wonderful woman named Rose. This was my first experience with someone else since Kelly in ages. We had instant physical chemistry. We played, fucked like rabbits, and played some more. She was fresh out of a marriage like I was and we were both just looking for fun. We ended up splitting ways after a few months just because we were at different stages in our lives. That time still sticks out in my head because I had that "Ah-hah!" moment of "This is what I'm looking for!".

After Rose, I just kind of drifted. I saw lots of people, played with lots of people (as a Dom) and just had fun. I really explored the male yearnings I'd had all of my life. While I went nutty with it, I was always safe. Well, I was safe with sex. I learned the hard way that I can be very clumsy when it comes to people's hearts. I stepped on a few and regret it.

I was a lot of people's first play experience. The Internet was finally blowing up and there was no shortage of people new to BDSM. Most of them were around my age and again - had tried the local scene and felt out of place due to their age or were pushed out because someone came on too strong. So we would hook up and play and play and play.

I also discovered ClubX around this time. I went to a few meetings and met some amazing people. I really liked this community as it was a central location of people like me to gather and have fun. I was working crazy hours so I wasn't quite ready to dive into the local community yet, but I knew this was something I needed to explore more.

My company opened an office in LA. I started going up about once a week, which opened the door to even more possibilities. I'd met a wonderful young lady by the name of Jess. She was new to the scene as well and was itching to get in. We went on our first date to a nice dinner and a goth club where there was a rope demo. Dinner led to drinks...which led to me back at her place tying her up and doing wicked things to her. She was smart, fun, sexy, and had the same taste in cinema as I did. It had also been almost a year since Kelly and I had split up. I wanted a relationship again and Jess was really pushing for one.

We moved fast. I met the family after 2 weeks. We were seeing each other every weekend. We spent as much time together as we could (which was tough because she lived so far). We played a lot and had a great time of it. But we were moving too fast. This is one of my clumsier moments. I had never really dated besides Kelly so I didn't know to take things slow and not get a head of myself. I didn't know what relationships were like outside of my crazy ass situation. It didn't work out. I regret breaking her heart, but she's a wonderful woman and will find the right guy some day.

I finally found myself drifting back to Texas. I missed home a lot and was itching to get back. My company had a contract out there and sent me on a 3 month mission that would last a year. I packed up my apartment and through it into storage, jumped in my car, and just drove. I would land at home in more ways than one.

Next time on Diary of a poly kinkster - Love for Texas

Tags: bdsm clubx diary poly kinky bisexual
Current Location: San Diego
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Sneaker Pimps

Chapter 7 - The end of an era

2001 was a transitional year for me. This is when everything changed. This is when one side of my life ended and another began.

The year is 2000. Some friends of mine at work take me out to lunch and tell me about this new company they are starting out in California. They want me to come with them. It's during the dot-com age so people are getting rich left and right. I decide to do it.

It's huge risk so we decide to keep the house. Kelly is supposed to find a job and help with the bills while I go to California until we get the next round of funding (scheduled for 6 months later). She of course is very against this as she's phobic of being alone or that I'll leave her. In the end, that's what causes us to split up. All of the time we've been together, she was a compulsive lier and outright lazy. I would work until midnight then stay up until 2 to do laundry so I could have clean clothes the next day. To this day I have no idea what she did at the house but it certainly wasn't anything productive. I needed to know that she could be my partner and not just a burden and this was the test. I was tired all the time and needed help. I told her that of course but my requests/demands fell on deaf ears. My years and years of social brainwashing programmed me to stick and out and make it work cuz hey - God doesn't like divorce!

The idea was that she was going to stay in Houston in case things went south. She was going to find a job (again) and this time hold on to it. She would stay at the house and make sure it was ok for about 6 months until the lease was up. She'd of course visit as often as possible, but we wouldn't do the final move until the lease was up.

She made several attempts to ditch the house and join me in California. I told her I needed this time away to figure things out if we were going to make it. I told her that I needed to see that she could be an adult. I was miserable in the relationship but I really genuinely wanted it to work. I figured if I had some time to think and even miss her a little, it would go a long way in helping. She couldn't keep a job so money was more than tight. Mix that with her compulsive spending and it was just bad.

A month after I moved to California, she called me with "some news". She was pregnant. She'd lied to me about several things before but this seemed too big to lie about. I finally agreed to let her move out and break the lease. I asked my sisters to help her but they didn't believe her. My sister had a heart to heart talk with me about her lying but I convinced her that she wouldn't lie about this.

She moved out to California about 2 months into my stay out here. She didn't look any different, but hey it had only been a month or so. Then a month later when I noticed no change, no doctors appointments, and no pre-natal care, she "mis-carried". I asked her to see the original doctors results so I could set up an appointment with someone else and she handed them to me. It was a document that just looked...fake. I logged into our computer at home and sure enough found the same document which she created and edited. She sucked at forging. This was the nail that sealed the coffin of our relationship. This was the final straw that cause me to look at my life and look at her and realize that I didn't want any part of it. I loved my job, but this was miserable. I was not a happy person and worse, I had turned into my dad. We fought every day and night. She was a total drama queen. She lied about everything and caused a shit-ton of drama with both me and my family. It was over both in my hear and in my head.

I broke up with my first real girlfriend, submissive, and wife in January of 2001.

My relationship of 7 years was kaput. I had no regrets. I felt liberated. My entire life was now different. I no longer had my old job. I lived in a different state away from the influence of my family. My old friends weren't around. I was single for the first time in 7 years.

I was alone.

This was the hardest part to get used to. This had been the first time I'd ever been alone in my life. I've always lived with people. I've always had several friends. While I would never go back to Kelly, this was hard to get used to. I lost myself in work. I ended up making friends and dating again, but there was an adjustment period there.

Ultimately, the best thing that happened in 2001 is that I did a reboot. I no longer had the responsibilities or influences from before, so I could start over. And I did. I went on a quest to discover what made me happy. What my "thing" was. Not what my "thing" was "supposed" to be. I had worried about other people for so long (my mom, my wife) that it was strange to have only myself to worry about. This set the stage for what was to happen next.

Next time on Diary of a poly kinkster - Drifting

Diary of a poly kinkster - Chapter 6 - God, Guilt and Turmoil

Greetings my friends. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading! To be honest, I thought no one would read this blog. Part of me writing it was just dealing with recent loss and going back in my life to figure out how I got to where I am. If you're able to learn anything from these blogs or they have helped or even just entertained you, I'm glad :)

Last we spoke, I spoke of the loss of Adam. I spoke of my final years as a high school student and getting married. I spoke of my first threesome experience. All of these things played heavy into the next three years of my life. That being said, I'm going to take you back a minute. I'll take you back to my childhood years. Growing up plays a huge roll in the next chapter of my life.

The year is 1962. My mom is 18 years old when she meets her first husband. She spent the night with him in a car one hot summer night. She swears to this day that they just talked all night and fell asleep. In the tiny town of Carlsbad New Mexico, one night is all it takes to set your fate. She got home to her abusive father and super religious mother and the expectation is that now she will get married. So of course, being the good Jehovah's Witness that she is...she does. They have 2 beautiful little girls. Fast forward 8 years and she's taking both girls and running out the door. To say that they didn't get along is the understatement of the century.

She drifts for a while before she meets her second husband. He's Caucasian, well off, and older. He can take care of her and her daughters, so she of course marries him. There is no passion, but she's not in the relationship for passion. She's in it for security. No wait..there is passion. A passionate hatred. You see, my mom had this rage in her that caused her to lash out to her kids and husbands. She was feisty, easy to anger, and quick to judge. I suppose it's that old school Hispanic upbringing mixed with enough Jehovah's Witness guilt and brainwashing.

Fast forward again to 1979. She's still with her second husband but she finds reasons to get out of the house during the weekend nights. Her kids seem to be growing up ok with a dad who loves them, but she's not happy. She finally meets the love of her life at a night club. He's 10 years younger than her, but he's Hispanic and very passionate. Fresh of the boat if you will. He brings to the table everything her husband doesn't. They have a very fast and hard love affair. Then she starts to get very weird medical issues. She thinks it's early onset menopause so she goes to see the doctor. She gets a phone call in July that will change her life and the lives of the ones around her forever. ...She's pregnant.

Everything that happens next happens fast. She dumps her husband, uproots the kids, and runs away with this new guy. She marries him a few months later. In April of 1980...I'm born. The product of a cheating wife and illegal immigrant. I of course didn't find out that she was still married to her husband until just this year. I also found out that while she was away with my dad, her husband molested my oldest sister. None of us knew this until very recently. I'm still processing this as it's all very new to me. It's funny, my birthday is probably one of the most cursed birthdays in history. Tax day. The day Lincoln was shot. The day the titanic sank. And me :D The probably Antichrist ;-)

I think it was the guilt of her cheating yet again and breaking up her family because of it caused her to go back to her religion, but she did with a fervor. If only she knew the rest...

I was born in Houston but we moved to New Mexico to be near her family when I was but a wee lad. My childhood was filled with some normal things, and some not so normal things. For one thing, I didn't realize I was missing out on anything until I went to school. You see, Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate anything. X-Mas and birthdays were things that were fiction in television shows. I didn't really have any friends outside of family and a kid down the street, but my mom did a good job of keeping the "worldly" things out of our household. Before the age of 5, my life consisted of learning about God, preaching door to door as soon as I could walk, going to Mexico to sell things every 2 weeks to make ends meet, and my parents fighting at the top of their lungs every night.

Now listen up kids cuz the next part's important.

I started school and everything changed. You see I was taught that to celebrate wordly holidays was evil and that I wouldn't get into everlasting paradise if I did wordly things. I was also taught that we were not guaranteed a seat in that paradise so I had to live by the book or face an eternity of destruction. I was taught that the world will end very soon and that I needed to be spiritually ready. I suppose this being banged into my head from day one made me not fear death. I just always accepted that we would all one day die. I was also taught guilt. God can see everything. God can hear everything. God can even read your mind. If you have a thought that is wrong, you might not get into paradise and God would be angry. Big brother? Child's play. God...now that guy is scary! Oh yea, and everything that is enjoyable is a sin. Most kids get this once a week in the south with Sunday school. Jehovah's Witnesses go to church EVERY OTHER DAY and preach every weekend morning. We pray at least 4 times a day - before every meal and before going to bed. We pray before each gathering, be it for fun or for spiritual guidance. We only associated with other Jehovah's Witnesses as to not be tempted by the world. The elders of our congregation were never wrong.

Kindergarten taught me many things. First off, I had to learn that people outside of my house were very different. I learned about patriotism and that I was not to partake in it. You see Jehovah's Witnesses can't put the flag or nation before god, so we were not to salute the flag. Therefore, I had to stand outside the class room when the class saluted the flag every morning. This also meant that I couldn't join the cub scouts or any sports teams. Then there was the celebrations. Everyone built santas and frostys for x-mas and I put together a snowflake. A substitute teacher gave me a pin for being a good kid once and I wouldn't stop crying because I was convinced that I accepted a gift for some sort of celebration and God was going to be mad. The poor woman ended up taking it back to calm me down. One thing I am grateful for is that kids really didn't mess with me. I was quick to respond to any sort of ribbing so they just learned that I was different and befriended me anyway. I learned that wordly kids were not as evil as my mom made them out to be.

This cycle continued until my dad left for Denver for work. There was a massive recession in Houston during the early 90's for experienced labor people and he took a job in Denver to send money home and support us. With the house empty, my mom took this opportunity to go nutty. She started her cycle again. Every weekend she would go out and party while he was away. She enlisted my help in lying about where she was. This is about the same time that she stopped going to church, and therefore so did I. I learned that religion and faith can be fleeting and that I had a choice. Sadly, I learned this through her bad choices. She saw various guys and had many boyfriends for the next two years before she finally told my dad that she was splitting up with him. She finally got the divorce when I was 14 and met her 3rd husband a year later. That year taught me I had to grow up and fast. Before her next husband, I was working odd jobs where I could to help pay the bills. Suddenly, I was the man of the house. We went from being poor to below the poverty line, so I had to work. None of it was legal of course, but just extra money to help buy groceries and the like. We lived in VERY rough neighborhoods which taught me to always be on guard. It also taught me that life is short and what stress really can be. This of course made me very bitter towards her. She met her 3rd husband and he helped out, but the damage had been done. The silver lining is that I learned to be a hard worker very fast, and I learned that I had to be more than my parents ever were.

All of this really affected the next 3 years of my life.

Jumping ahead again, I'm 18 now and married. I just started my IT job at a big 6 firm. Adam is gone and I just moved into my first apartment with my wife.

The first 6 months out of high school were very high energy. I'm an ambitious person my nature and work had me going nuts. I started in corporate America making 10 bucks an hour as a help desk grunt. With the recent loss of Adam and being married, I had every reason to focus on my job as hard as I could. So I did just that. I learned everything I possibly could. I borrowed my bosses manuals to his networking equipment and read until the wee hours of the morning. There weren't many days I didn't work until at least 9:00 PM at night. I was a sponge. I took my knowledge working retail all of those years and applied them to my help desk roll. The customers loved me. My bosses loved me. Some of my co-workers hated me because I was so young and the new guy, but they warmed up quickly. Fixing computers was easy to me. Helping customers was second nature. I was born to do this job and I loved it. Within 3 months, I was teaching the most senior support guys on our staff things about computers. I had an advantage they didn't - I grew up with this shit! I started mucking with computers when I was 10!! I was logging into BBS's by 12 talking to other nerds like me. This was cake. And the pressure was easy. Where the current network guy buckled when the shit hit the fan, I shined. Living in a neighborhood where I've literally been shot at prepared me for high levels of stress. Computers to me are not stressful. They break, you have to fix them fast, but there are worse things in life. I was quickly on my way to my first promotion.

Things with Kelly were going well. She was working as well and the sex was amazing. I pretty much just worked, came home, had lots of kinky as hell sex, woke up and did it all over again. One thing I didn't anticipate is because I wasn't working out or playing hockey anymore, I gained weight QUICK. I had money now so I ate very well and bounced from 175 to 215 in a heartbeat. During this time, I didn't have time to think about much. I focused on work and being a husband.

Then, it all came crashing down.

6 months later, I got that promotion. I was now the networking guy for a big six firm because I knew the job better than anyone else. I went from a measly 10 an hour to 35K a year. This was more than double what I was making. And there was something else....Kelly was pregnant.

I was excited, scared, regretful, and a little dazed. We were pretty careful but there were a few slips. We certainly had enough sex that .08 percent could have easily not worked. I took the news with grace. Kelly was of course as happy as a lamb. She loved the idea of having kids. She always said that once kids were introduced, a couple was bound in blood and could never be broken. I of course couldn't believe that as I'd seen 3 marriages and multiple families broken up, but I let her have her illusion.

She miscarried a month later. She was of course devastated. I wasn't and felt like a monster because I was somewhat relived. Suddenly, years later, the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. I spent the next 2 1/2 years taking care of Kelly. She couldn't hold a job after that. She recovered but used it as an excuse to milk it for attention. She had always been a hypochondriac and attention whore, but this really sealed the deal. Things were different now. I didn't have Adam to talk sense in to me. I didn't have the ability to block the guilt and see Kelly for what she was. I babied her and told her it was ok to fail. So she did. Again and again and again. This deteriorated our relationship fast. Eventually it wasn't even about the baby she lost anymore so much as just her being lazy. I was taking care of a grown woman while working crazy hours to support us.

The guilt didn't stop with Kelly and the would-be-child. The flood gates were now open. Suddenly my entire lifestyle was in question. How could a good Christian man like hurting someone? How could a good man like tying someone up and doing wicked things to them? I was dirt. I was scum. I was everything god hates. I enjoyed sex and sinful things, but that was wrong. everything I'd ever done since the age of 12 was wrong. After all these years, everything I had learned and done...I turned back to God. I went through vicious cycles for the next 2 1/2 years of throwing away all of our toys, porn, kink, movies, anything that would tempt me. Without Adam to keep my religious brainwashing at bay, I had no shields. I floated from Christian religion to Christian religion trying to find the church that was right for me. Trying to find something that felt right. None of it ever did. In all that time the only thing I learned was how corrupt every religion is. I still had faith that something was out there, but it had to be better than this.

This religious guilt really stifled my development. While we still played on occasion, there was a massive guilt hangover every time. I needed more aftercare than she did thinking I was an evil man. After about 18 months, we just outright stopped playing. Everything I had learned before then was simply locked away in a box.

Without Adam to balance my relationship with Kelly, we were crashing and burning. She became more co-dependant and I became more delusional. Work was going great, but that was about it. There were moments of happiness when I was able to raise my head above the religious guilty haze and enjoy life, but then the crushing guilt always came back. There were times when Kelly wasn't being a compulsive lier and actually helpful, but it was usually after I threatened to leave her and only lasted for a few weeks.

I kept climbing the ladder at work which really helped me get my life in order in the end, but over all I was miserable. Emotionally, these were some of the hardest times of my life. I was dealing with years and years of programming and I had no idea how to fix it.

Next time on Diary of a poly kinkster - Chapter 7 - The end of an era

Tags: bdsm kink poly journal gay bisexual reli
Current Mood: depressed

Chapter 5 - Losing Adam

Our junior and senior years of high school were not about high school at all. Adam and I ended up in all of the same classes together (through the miracles of black-hat hacking technology), one of which was "Co-op". In my school, Co-op was a class where you went out into the real world and worked for a grade. We would usually leave school earlier than we were supposed to. I'd show up late because I'd spend the night talking with Kelly, so I was really only at school for about 3 hours a day. Senior year, I got Adam a job at a local video game store where I was the assistant manager. Adam started hanging out with this new crowd at school. There were a couple of girls and they were friends of some of our other group of geeky friends. Now one thing about being in a bad neighborhood - EVERYONE did drugs. The nerds, the jocks, the criminals, you name it. I did'nt really give it much thought at the time because Adam had told me that he wasn't into it. He started kind of seeing this girl Cindy who was a total loud mouth disrespectful teenager. She jumped from guy to guy in our little group. Because of this I was never really that interested in her. Her friend Melissa was hot, but I was pre-occupied with Kelly and Adam.

The second half of our senior year is when stuff really started going wrong. Adam started hanging out with Cindy and her friends more which gave me more time with Kelly. This was not good for any of us. Cindy was a bad influence on Adam and Kelly and I just did not get along well without his influence. Spending more time alone together, we were forced to deal with the ways that we were not compatible. My emotional intelligence had not developed yet so it was hard for me to recognize these types of patterns. Needless to say, things deteriated.

One thing I hadn't caught on to was that Adam spending less time with us was a direct correlation with Kelly and I were talking more serious like marriage, moving in together, that sort of thing. He became more and more distant and Kelly and I became more and more hostile towards each other. I was even flirting with other people at school. Tony and Amanda both wanted me from Drama class and these distractions made it easy for my thoughts to go to breaking up with Kelly.

We finally did have a big blow up and broke up. During the 4 weeks we were apart, I moved fast. I courted Tony like crazy and Amanda followed us both along. one day we ended up all int he costume room together as we were all part of the "costume crew". The lights went out and I had my first threesome :) The room was pitch black so it was really just a mass of bodies on the sofa in the costume room at school but it was intense to say the least. The anonimoty of the situation made it really hot. We were all young and eager to please. There was no one in charge as it was too dark to tell who was who. One thing that the whole situation lacked however was emotion. This was the first time I had sex just to have sex with no love or relationship involved. We all remained friends after that, but there was nothing there and we knew it.

A few weeks later, I got back with Kelly. Things were still tense without Adam there to distract me from her flaws.

Adam started talking to me about things that were unlike him. Out of body experiences. Meditation. Staying up all night. When he did come over, he'd disappear for hours on end. Something was wrong.

As we grew closer to graduation, Kelly and I got more serious and made the mistake of deciding to get married. She and possibly I were going in the military and we had pressure from our southern religious families to tie the knot. She of course wanted to get married and I was reluctant but went ahead with my years and years of conservative brainwashed training. We told Adam one night and he was just...quiet. This is about when things blew up.

First, my boss approached me about firing Adam. I asked him why and as it turns out, Adam's till had be running short for several months. Long story short - he was stealing. Seeing as how I was the assistant manager and the one who brought him on, it was up to me to fire him. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Firing your own best friend is not easy in anyone's book. This prepared me for making hard decisions in life. Adam wasn't mad at me and told me that he didn't blame me, but it was still heart breaking.

Kelly ran away from home. She had a big blowup with her mom and just showed up on my doorstep one day. The same week, Adam dropped out of school. This all happened the last two months of my senior year. Now that Kelly was living with me, this of course put the pressure on even more to get married. I ended up working 40 hour work weeks plus going to high school just to pay for the wedding. As for Adam...he went radio silent. I was mostly hurt that he didn't respond to coming to the wedding. I'd heard that he enrolled in another high school but didn't really hear much from him other than it was some sort of recovery school.

So...we graduated. Before we did, a friend of mine who runs an IT division at a big 6 consulting firm heard I was considering the army to end up doing systems work. So he offered me a crazy job with a crazy salary. I couldn't say no. I was growing up and fast. I was getting married, on my way to my career, and moving forward in life. Once Kelly heard I wasn't going, she dropped out of the army ASAP. I'd found out she was only considering it because I was. I should have picked up on this co-dependency early on, but of course I was young, dumb, and full of...well you know. So we did it. We got married. My family came. Her's came, but only after disowning her during the planning and paying stage of the wedding, then saying, "oh never mind, we accept it" after everything was paid for. Our friends came. My boss came.

Adam didn't come. My heart ached and I had no idea why.

We lived with my mom for about another two weeks while I closed out my job at the video game store. The day before we moved out, Adam finally called. He asked if he could come over. I didn't hesitate to say yes. It was late, probably around 11:00 PM. He came over and asked to see me alone. I went for a walk with him around the complex.

He was quiet at first. I could tell that whatever he was about to say was difficult. Huge. This was not easy for him to say the least. He started with an apology. "I'm sorry I didn't show up to your wedding" he said. I of course forgave him immediately. How could I not? This was Adam. "I never really approved of you and Kelly". This I knew and had forgiven him long ago for it. While this was hard for him I knew that it wasn't it. It wasn't the big news.

"There's something else." he said.

While I was calm on the outside, I was terrified of what he might say.

"I'm in recovery for addiction. That's where I've been these past few months".

"Addiction to what?" I said.

"You name it. Heroin. Weed. Anything I could get my hands on."

I was speechless. Suddenly it all made sense.

"How long?" was my only reply.

He explained, "I've been doing drugs since our sophomore year. All of our friends knew and supplied me, but I never let any of them tell you. I know you have a history with drugs and I didn't want to lose you as a friend."

He was right. I had a very bad history with drugs. Half of my family was addicted to meth, crack, heroine, you name it. My uncle spent years in prison for dealing. When I was 10, he OD'ed in our garage while living with us. My dad had to bust the door down to get him medical attention. My cousins spoke of joining street gangs like it was joining a college. Yes...I had a bad history with drugs.

Adam of course knew all this and kept it from me for all these years. He proceeded to tell me that it was because he loved me and didn't want to lose me. But then that senior year it just went too far and he couldn't control it any more. He spiraled out of control. He was smart about it as to never get caught. He always injected in between his toes to not leave marks. He hid it very very well. It wasn't until he went into the Army DEP (Delayed entry program) and was drug tested that he was caught. His mom who was usually never there suddenly had him out of our school and in a special school for addicted kids. Part of his 12 step program was to talk to people he'd hurt and come clean and apologize. I was now one of his steps.

I was shocked to say the least. I was numb. But truthfully...I didn't care. He was still Adam to me. I told him so and told him that I would be there whenever he needed. He told me thanks.

Then...he dropped the real bomb.

He may have tested positive for HIV.

My world went away. Everything after that was a murmur. I remember him talking about getting retested. Tainted needles. Something about how it's not for sure yet. I'd lost my favorite uncle and the only real person I looked up to with that bug and now it had Adam.

I couldn't talk. I hugged him so he wouldn't see the tears. He just held me. My heart even aches now and I'm brought to tears just writing this.

I asked him what I could do to help. He told me that he just needed time. Time to figure things out and get his life in order. I told him I would be there when he was ready.

"I have to go" he said.

"Call me". I told him. I should have told him the truth. How I felt for him. But I didn't want to stack more on his plate.

That was the day Adam walked out of my life forever. I never saw him again. I still don't know where he is to this day or what became of him. I can only hope that the follow up tests were negative. I don't know if I'll ever find out. I stood there in the dark outside of my apartment for at least an hour before I made it back in. Kelly was asleep. I was thankful for at least that.

Next time: God, Guilt and Turmoil

Tags: bdsm poly gay bisexual relationship blog
Current Location: United States, San Diego, Eastgate Mall, 4445-4575
Current Mood: sad

I'm certainly not 21 anymore....

I had an amazing weekend. And it was much needed!

Thursday

It all started on Thursday. I had to fire someone. It wasn't pretty. I won't go into the gory details except that I can't stand having to fire people. It comes with the job, but it sucks some major ass. I'd always understood the concept of "lonely at the top", but I'm pretty much living it these days. When you start with a company as a grunt, everyone is your friend and you can enjoy their company without reservation. Then, you become their boss. And suddenly, lips get quieter around you. You're still included, but not in everything. Then comes the day you need to fire someone. Chances are, that someone is or at one time was your friend. So the chasm grows wider. All of your friends slowly start to become your employees instead. You can hang out with them, but you may need to give them flak about something they did wrong. If you want to be a good boss that is. Not easy. At this new company it's not as difficult because I started as the big boss. But letting someone go is never easy, no matter how much it needed to be done.

So after this terrible day, I needed to have some fun!

Thursday night, I met some friends (blueskysummer and her beau) at the Next Gen coffee night. Viking and his kitty can throw a great shindig! The atmosphere is always open, friendly, and without drama. I love no drama :D It was great to see all of my friends there. Friends always help when you're having a crappy day :) It was really good to see babydoe and meet her friend Codi. She's right. He's a hottie. And the site of Lexx always brings a smile to my face. Simply put...she's family.

Oh, and the coffee at Babycakes is AMAZING! Definitely give it a shot if you can.

As usual, I met a lot of great people. The Next Gen crowd is great because it's full of fun kinky folk who have similar interests and fall into roughly the same generation. This helps newer people in the scene as sometimes it can be intimidating being the only 20 year old int he room. Granted, I haven't been 20 in a long time, but I remember being that kid. These were all people I immediately liked and hoped to see again. Lucky for me...I would the next day!

Friday

The next night, Miss Inara and I went to the beat and greet and again, met up with many friends. Beat and greet is a fun event because you get to meet lots of sexy kinky people. There is some play, but it's not really a "play party" so there's not much space to play. Now I haven't played in a loonngg time and I've been hanging out with all these new hot friends who tickle my kink bone in just the right way. I'm pretty sure I go a little bit insane if I haven't played in a while :) Being around all that leather and latex and seeing all those fun scenes put me in a very sadistic mood.The hunger rose in me like a beast threatening to devour my sanity. Luckily, I was in the right place at the right time :)

Watching blueskysummer beat her boy was just yummy. We'd all been talking about playing for a while and I was chomping at the bit :) One of my great friends and occasional play partners _em_ was there as well. She brought a fellow burning man camp mate who's a really cool guy. _em_ and I had been talking about playing for a while and once again, there just wasn't enough room. We also ran into Codi, Lexx and her friend K, fiery from the night before, and a few other friends. I pulled Inara aside after a while and convinced (although it didn't take much convincing) her to bring the party back to our pad. Sure, the boxes are still around and our play room isn't setup yet. We're still technically moving in. But that doesn't mean we can't utilize our bad ass new futon and have some fun!! So we did. When all was said and done we had a mini-play party of about 10 really cool people. We would have invited more but it was so spur of the moment that it just happened really fast.

Needless to say, I got my hunger sated with a few tasty snacks :) The party started with me tying up blueskysummer's cute boy J to the couch and going to town on him with the wand. I did some back slapping and the like, but mostly just shocked the hell outta him. I loved tugging on his hair while he was connected to the contact probe. Kissing his ears when sparks of electricity flew between my lips to him was just...yummy. Oh, and as it turns out, he has very sensitive nipples . Watching blueskysummer go sadist on him was hot as well. Plus watching them kiss with the sparks flying made my kink smile. It was getting late and he had to work early so I let him go.

I wasn't done yet though. I was still hungry.

I took _em_ upstairs and beat the crap outta her. I love playing with her because there's no pretense about what we both need. She fulfills the physical sadist in me. There's no real D/s there, no role play, just straight up tension being let out. She had a migraine and hadn't slept when we started and amazingly when we were done, the migraine was gone :) I still don't get that.Miss Inara was playing in the same room with _em_'s friend and it's always fun to listen to her torture boys. _em_ and I cuddled for a bit while I think blueskysummer and Codi were exploring the floggers and whips.

After that, we the group talked for a bit and then people started heading home. I was still itching to play with blueskysummer and fiery though, so they stayed around for a bit. I tied them both up in some fun positions and then Inara took the reigns with blueskysummer. The had a really hot clothespins scene and the sound of her whimpers definitely brought a smile to my face. Plus watching two hot women play is always a turn on. Meanwhile I was showing fiery the wonders of floggers :) She has a very natural submissive wiggle.

We all ended up cuddling up stairs in the playroom for a bit during aftercare and then called it a "night"...at 7:30AM ;-)

Saturday
We woke up in the late afternoon and dragged ass to breakfast/late lunch at Baja Betty's. We ended up having lunch with most of the people we had just seen at our private little shindig. It was cool hanging out with everyone the day after. We all got to talk, laufgh, and eat more mexican food than we should have. Then, we realized it was 4:00 PM and we had to rush home to get ready for the leather dance party! Wow...where had the time gone? We hadn't gotten anything done we set out to do that day. No unpacking, no painting the play room, nothing. We sped home and started getting ready. Considering our dress and night before (leather, boots, the usual), neither Inara or I were feeling up to squeezing in leather or latex. So she went business casual and I went cowboy'ed up. I was just too tired from so much play and we were short on time.

We got to the leather dance party at Rich's and once again ran into several friends. I was really glad to actually spend some time talking to Viking and his cat as we're normally across the room at other functions. Once again my opinion is re-enforced that they are really cool people. Viking always looks good in his kilt and his cat had this bad ass leather harness thing on that immediately made me regret not wearing leather. But oh well :)

We also ran into babydoe and Codi again and hung out with them for a bit. They actually came over before hand and had a few drinks. Babydoe had her first _em_ quality drink but I forget the name :( By the end of the night, I was partaking in playing with the pups and even being mean to one of them..which just makes me smile :) Inara and I headed over to Wine Steals to meet up with Lexx after the party and we just hung out with her the rest of the night. I have to say once again that I love Lexx to death and she is an amazing person.

We got home around 3 and I'd of course had a little too much to drink. Lesson learned on my part. I fell asleep around 4 on the futon..and then got paged and woken up by work at 7:00 in the fucking morning :(

I'm sure all of you have had hangovers. Usually you can sleep most of it off. But having one and then being woken up to the sound of your pager over and over again after only 3 hours of sleep was BRUTAL. We had a network go down out in New York so I had to get my team on the phone and working on it. I'm suprised I was able to do this considering my headache of epic proportions and still not quite right yet. I ended up working all morning and then going to the farmer's market with Inara, her bug, Lexx and her friend. We had some amazing vegetarian food and ran into....Codi again! It was cool talking to him and seeing how his night went after the dance party.

The rest of the night was spent playing video games with firebug and working :(

So after all this, I've realized something very important - No matter how hard I think I can party and not stop...I'm not 21 anymore :( But that's ok. I'm ok with getting older. I actually kind of like it :) It just means I'll party 2 nights in a row instead of 3 :P

Happy thanksgiving everyone!

--Dax

Tags: bdsm clubx kink bisexual party

Diary of a Poly Kinkster - Chapter 4 - Loving more than one

Polyamory. Ethical slut. Polyfidelity. Open relationship. In 1996, this words had no meaning to me. I didn't have the luxury of finding a local community of kinksters or poly people to show me the ropes. Books like "The Ethical Slut" hadn't even been printed yet. This combined with the fact that I had no idea that I was even in a poly relationship made it seem like the three of us were grasping in a dark maze. We were lost, but at least we had each other.

It was no secret that Kelly and Adam didn't get along. They reached a comfortable truce but their truce sat in a pool of gasoline ready for a match to make it all go down in flames. They both loved me. I loved both of them. I didn't even know that was possible. I was raised in the south where that sort of thing was unheard of. Sure, we'd heard of swingers, but those were whispered in the same sentences as hippies and disco. Regardless...I was madly and deeply in love with them both.

One thing that helped in those early days - segregation. That made it work for the two years without major incident. Kelly went to a school in the suburbs that seemed more like those Hollywood movies where there are jocks, nerds, cheerleaders, and band geeks. Adam and I went to a ghetto school where there was always detectives showing up looking for suspects in gang related violence. The one blessing about our terrible school is that I had Adam all to myself during the weekdays. First off, I had my entire sophomore year to Adam. Then after I started seeing Kelly, Adam and I became closer and closer. But overall, he didn't have to share on the weekdays. We hacked the school system so we had every class together. We even took co-op to ditch from school legally every day at noon and hang out. I worked at the mall at a toy store and he would come with me and hang out there until I was done with work. Then we'd head back to my place and hang out until he had to go home.

Once he went home, it was Kelly's turn. She had me on the phone until usually around 3 or 4 AM. Mostly it was her talking and me listening, but the nights were still her's and her's alone.

The weekends got trickier. Friday nights usually ended up being Kelly's. We didn't have those nifty liberal parents that people have these days so we had to get creative on what we did and where we went. Saturdays were Kelly's too. If I wasn't working, we'd hang out all day, see movies, fuck, play, the usual. Sunday's are when things got tricky. Well, Sundays and summer. Because I was one of the few Spanish speaking employees at the toy store, I never had Sundays off. For some reason in Houston, every Spanish speaking customer goes to the mall on Sundays. This is where things got touchy.

Both Adam and Kelly wanted to see me at least one weekend day of the year, so this was our "family day". We didn't call it that, but that's what it became. The day usually started with them meeting me at my house for breakfast. We'd all go to the mall at around 11:30 and hang out until my shift started. As soon as I walked through the doors of my store, they would go their separate ways. They rarely hang out together. He went and did his thing, and she went and did hers. They would come and get me for lunch, then the cycle would repeat. They'd pick me up at the end of my shift and we'd all have dinner together. This was our routine every Sunday. The times that we were all together was always tense. They didn't like each other and there was no illusion that they ever would. At times, I wished they would just fuck so that we could all be one big happy family, but that energy wasn't there for them. They had one thing in common - me. This was bearable during the school year because it was one day a week. The summers were more difficult.

During the summers, we'd spend all of our time at the mall. Adam would come with me to work and we would play video games after work until the wee hours. Adam would always coax me to stay a little longer before going to pick up Kelly, who would of course be pissed that we came late. We spent more time together during the summers and I longed for the school year to start so I wouldn't have to listen to them bicker.

Despite the drama between them, we were comfortable. As long as nothing major changed, we were all happy. Senior year, Adam eventually started working for me at my new job at the video game store. Kelly worked at my old job which was the toy store. I always found ways to have Adam in my life most of my time and yet have Kelly there to fill up the rest. Adam fulfilled that part of me that needed a partner. Someone on equal terms who was interested in the same stuff. Someone I could talk to. Someone I could bare my soul to. Kelly fulfilled the physical and kink needs. [note: Wow...writing that, I just found a pattern in my behavior. Hmm.] They balanced me. They made me feel whole. More so, they balanced each other. Kelly made sure I wasn't spending too much time playing with Adam, and Adam made sure I saw enough of Kelly's flaws to keep things sane.

I still wonder to this day what would have happened if I made a move on Adam. Or if Kelly would have. Considering the way things went, it couldn't have been much worse :)

Next time - Paradise lost.

Tags: bdsm polyamory houston kinky bisexual
Current Mood: nostalgic

I had an amazing weekend with a great friend of mine. 

We both needed to get away from our respective grinds for a bit. I've been working 80 hour work weeks plus dealing with emotional stuff so it was good to just leave and not think about stuff for a couple of days. We met up in Vegas on Friday and I got home about 2 hours ago.

Friday night, we pretty much just hung out at the Palms. We had dinner and sitting right next to us was Vince Neil with his parents for their birthday party. Then, Eric Estrada and his body gaurds nearly ran us over in the casino :) We watched a movie and konked out early. 

The next day was a blast. Breakfast followed my some bad ass kink shopping. I made out like a bandit with my new favorite Armory latex shirt and a latex body bag with appropriate zippers in the right spots. She bought a pair of bad ass New Rock (btw, there's a new Rock store in Vegas!!) boots. This was followed by a late lunch, a nap (we napped in shifts!), and then a trip to the Las Vegas branch of Power Exchange.

We went to the Power Exchange in San Francisco a while back and it was kind of a bad experience. It was open to the public so the ratio of kinky lifestyles to guys with just shirts on jacking off was not good. Not good meaning for some reason that night...it was us and that was about it. BUT, we heard from a lovely young lady at Lady C's Leather that this Power Exchange had a lot of really good lifestyle friendly people there usually and that we could rope off our scenes. So we decided to give it a shot. I personally was not disappointed.

They had a few play rooms that were well stocked with bondage furniture. Those rooms also had lifestylers in them who were holding some pretty sexy scenes. There were a few hot crossdressers which it sounds like is normal for the Power Exchange in Vegas. I personally like cross-dressers so it was all good for me. There was only one naked guy walking around but he didn't seem to be bothering anyone. I mean, hey...it's a sex club :) The other good thing is that there were actual couples there instead of just a bunch of guys and one or two girls. 

We didn't really come prepared for a play party so all she brought was her needle kit and all I brought was clothing. That didn't really stop us though. I needed a release and FV obliged me :) Those of you who know me know that I rarely if ever play as a bottom. I was really only a submissive for about 2 years in my early 20s and that was to FV. I'm a pretty heavy sadistic player and FV makes me look like a kitten :D What can I say? I learned from the best.

So going back to our session, we didn't have any toys or bondage stuff. That didn't really matter though because like me, FV loves to use her hands. She's very well trained in body punching and does it regularly with her boys. Those boys must be made of wood these days!

I took off my shirt and was down to my leather jeans and lizard skin cowboy boots. She pinned me up against the wall and just started working on my chest. Apparently, warm-up is for wussies ;-) 

There's something very primal about body punching. Seeing as how I'm not really submissive any more, this gave me a chance to growl, curse, and hit that primal part of my self. More than that, it gave me a chance for release. Plus, it's always fun to have a hot redhead dressed up in a sexy corset work on you :) 

I don't know how long she punched my chest and arms for but I was tender to the point of tapping out by the time we were done. I'm definitely not as tough as I used to be when I was her submissive. My adrenaline was pumping so hard my teeth were chattering. It was hot. Not something I'd repeat again any time soon, but hot :) 

After she was done beating the crap outta me, I got my request for some needle play! What was really cool is that there was this cute young girl next to us getting stuck as well. FV did about 19 total in my back in quick succession. The needles are always the easy part for me. The hard part is when she pours alcohol into the needle as she pulls it out. It's like fire waking up all of my senses!!!  I was flying as high as a kite. I definitely forgot how powerful "subspace" is. 

Afterwards, we were both spent. We had some grub and an amazing desert at the Paris, then got some shuteye. 

The next morning, shower...breakfast...and the 7.5 hour drive home :( Lots of traffic.

Overall, I had an amazing much needed weekend with whom I consider one of my best friends. 

Thanks FV!!!!

-meow! ;-)

Tags: bdsm kink play las vegas
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Korn

 Chapter 3 - Kelly .... My first submissive

Adam and I fell into a comfortable friendship pretty early on. We were great friends and our friendship was blossoming. I still kept in close contact with my good friends from my previous school and we all hung out regularly. I was around 15 when I started reading the "Interview with the Vampire" series. I also happened to read Anne Rice's "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" BDSM series which of course became some of my favorite books. One of my good friends Jake from my old school knew I was really into Anne Rice when he bumped into a young girl named Kelly. She happened to be reading the Anne Rice books. He gave her my number.

Kelly gave me a call one Saturday and told me she knew Jake. She talked about the books and I was immediately interested. She hadn't brought up the Beauty books yet, but she was the only one I knew into the Vampire Chronicles at that time. That first night we talked for hours. We compared notes on other books. We talked movies. We talked TV. It was the beginning of a long and interesting relationship. When I wasn't with Adam, I was talking to Kelly on the phone. When I wasn't there, I was playing hockey. We hadn't officially met yet as neither of us could legally drive and we were still in high school, but we spent more time on the phone than most couples do in real life. I would tell Adam about Kelly and he did his best to feign interest. I learned pretty quick not to bring her up so much around him. Our friendship was still strong but now there was a tension there. I also figured out to not get on the phone with her when he spent the night. The nights that Adam wasn't over, I would fall asleep on the phone with Kelly from us talking all night. Eventually I cautiously approached the subject of the Beauty series. As soon as I did, the conversations changed. They went from vampires and movies to kink. She wasn't as knowledgeable on the subject as I was seeing as how she didn't spend hours on the computer learning, but what she lacked in knowledge she made up for in excitement. When she heard I was kinky, the questions started flying. Up until this moment, I had assumed I was the only one. Sure, I had talked to gay guys on the computer and read stories, but never actually met anyone who was so interested. Even my friend a few years back had only done it on a dare and didn't know anything about it. The beast in me roared to life like a lake of gasoline sparked by a match. I was no longer alone. I was no longer the only one with these dark urges. I had to meet this girl.... We talked about our sexual fantasies endlessly. We were young and untrained in the arts of both love and pain, so we explored without abandon. There was one small catch....both of us had fantasies from the submissive side. Our first meeting didn't take place for a full year after we started talking. It was just after my 16th birthday when I said yes to meeting up with her and my two friends from my old school. Adam opted out. We met at one of the bigger malls in Houston at the food court. I expected a young girl with auburn curly hair, but I really didn't know what to expect in terms of looks. This was after all the days when the internet was still new and not everyone had Facbeook or a Collarme profile. What I found was a really hot young auburn haired girl :) She was a drill team member which kept her in shape. I was floored. Would I ever find a girl like this again? Both kinky and hot? I made my move fast. We dropped her off at her house that night and I kissed her. Seeing as how I was painfully shy, a kiss on a first date for me was a very rare thing indeed. She tasted like strawberry lip gloss. We met on a Saturday. We talked all day on the phone on Sunday. I didn't see Adam again until Monday. He was quiet the whole time I talked about the experience. There was a side of myself I still hid from him and that's my kinky side. To him, it just seemed like I was excited about a pretty girl. To me, I found someone who both accepted and loved my darker side. He didn't understand. He couldn't understand.

The next four months were a period of sexual awakening for me. Moreso than before. I had a girlfriend now and she knew my kink. When we spent time alone together, we would make out for hours. Making out turned into heavy petting. Heavy petting turned into me tying her up and going down on her. That turned into more control games. Exhibitionism. Orgasm denial. It grew and grew. We were children playing at adult games but we took to it like ducks to water. We were on fire with lust and curiosity. Seeing as how we didn't have our own place to play, exhibitionism became our specialty. The park, the mall, a restaurant, there was no were that was off limits. Looking back, it's amazing we were never caught...more than once.

Because I had more knowledge and in general was a more dominant person than her, I took the lead. We tried switching once or twice but it just ended up with me on top anyway. There were rules we developed even early on. She was not allowed to cum without my permission. She had to masturbate to the brink every night but not go past the edge or else she was punished. At times, she would wear a dog's choke chain out in public. People just thought she was a goth or punk of course. I kept the key to the lock with me. When we went on dates, she was to wear a skirt with no panties. Or she would be wearing some and I'd make her take them off in the bathroom. All this before we even had actual sex.

4 months into our relationship, we finally had sex. We were both virgins and my mom was out for the night (as usual). It was of course awkward and not great. It hurt :) Neither of us knew much about the actual act of intercourse so we made several mistakes. Wrong condom size for one so it was painful for both of us. It was nice, but vanilla. We had vanilla sex 3 more times after that, and then blew the doors off of kinky sex. Looking back, I can't remember ever doing it vanilla again.

We grew more and more daring with our kink. We got into rope. We got into bonds. Insertables. Whatever we could afford as teens with retail jobs, we would use. We would sneak into the park behind her house and I would tie her up to the slides and we would fuck like bunnies on Viagra. Then there was the time we got caught. It was a Saturday night, just like any other and we drove to one of our favorite parks. I had her tied up in the back seat and we were in the middle of it when a cop car came racing into the park.

Now, just to put this in context - This is Texas. The Harris County Sherrif's department deputies still wear cowboy hats here. I'm a young hispanic male. I have a young white girl tied up and naked in the back seat of my car. I still have my clothes on. This does NOT look good.

I've never had a girl untied so fast in all of my life. Luckily, by the time the cop knocked on our window, she was getting dressed. We both got out of the car and he had me stand by the car while he talked to her. He gave her a stern warning and the usual guilt trip (How would your mother feel?) and sent us on our way. The park was now off limits. To this day, I can't believe we didn't end up in jail that night. Apparently, it's pretty common to catch teens fucking in the parks of Houston.

We only really saw each other on the weekends but we still talked on the phone every night. I consider this my first real extensive kink experience. While we were kids, we learned a lot about what worked and what didn't work. We learned a lot about the basics of kink before I knew about books like SM101 and The Loving Dominant. We learned the basics. Warm-up. Bondage. Safe words. Endorphins. Flying. All of the nifty things that came with being in the community, we learned on our own. We were way to young for the local HPEP group so we did it the hard way - trial and error.

School sucked. My family sucked. But Adam and Kelly made life more bearable in those days. The weekdays belonged to Adam. The weekends belonged to Kelly. Mostly.

Stay tuned my dear friends for next time, I will tell you the story of how loving two people is possible. But don't be under any sort of illusion for I will also tell you how hard it is.

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